Thursday, July 24, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
One Memory....
1. Leave one memory that you and I had together, as a comment on my blog. Anything goes.
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll check to see if you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll check to see if you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
So Lost
Sometimes when I think about you
I wonder
Why you still love me when I am so lost.
So many times I slip and fall
But you always come back and pick me up.
Sometimes you have to drag me along
For a while
Before I'll get back up on my feet
But you never let go and just leave.
I can be frustrating in my curiosity
And doubt
But if you're irritated, you hide it well.
With me you use patience and understanding
The way you would deal with a child.
You handle me gently as though
I were glass
Careful to leave no bruise or break.
You watch me tenderly, seeing the things
Others don't.
The expression in your eyes shows the pain
Because you can see into my soul.
I push you away and tell you to leave
I try to hurt you to get you to go
But you stand your ground and stay
With me
Letting me hit you as much as I need.
Then at the end of the day
When I lay broken in the street
You lovingly lift me in your arms
You carry me home and tuck me in bed.
You stay by my side as I drift
Into sleep.
When I toss and turn from my nightmares
And wake up screaming in the night
You stroke my hair and calm me
Saying, "Hush now, darling.
Go back to sleep. The morning will
Quickly come.
I'll stay here with you, by your side.
You need your rest. I love you."
"I love you." You say
And it makes me wonder
How can you love me so deeply
When I have become so lost?
I wonder
Why you still love me when I am so lost.
So many times I slip and fall
But you always come back and pick me up.
Sometimes you have to drag me along
For a while
Before I'll get back up on my feet
But you never let go and just leave.
I can be frustrating in my curiosity
And doubt
But if you're irritated, you hide it well.
With me you use patience and understanding
The way you would deal with a child.
You handle me gently as though
I were glass
Careful to leave no bruise or break.
You watch me tenderly, seeing the things
Others don't.
The expression in your eyes shows the pain
Because you can see into my soul.
I push you away and tell you to leave
I try to hurt you to get you to go
But you stand your ground and stay
With me
Letting me hit you as much as I need.
Then at the end of the day
When I lay broken in the street
You lovingly lift me in your arms
You carry me home and tuck me in bed.
You stay by my side as I drift
Into sleep.
When I toss and turn from my nightmares
And wake up screaming in the night
You stroke my hair and calm me
Saying, "Hush now, darling.
Go back to sleep. The morning will
Quickly come.
I'll stay here with you, by your side.
You need your rest. I love you."
"I love you." You say
And it makes me wonder
How can you love me so deeply
When I have become so lost?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Accomplishment
Wow. I feel so proud of myself, let me tell you. First, I've written the lyrics to two songs: Fade Away and Fallen Fairy. I didn't know I could do that. And it's cool because I'm not the only one who likes them.....I hope.....
I'm usually not a poem writer, which is kind of what songs are, but I was able to pull out two of them. So even if they are lame, at least I did it!
And second, I have been wanting to learn guitar since 8th grade, and now I'm finally getting somewhere! Today I bought my oldest brother's acoustic guitar. It is really nice and he gave me a really good deal. It came with three picks, a strap, a tuner, and a really nice case. It's awesome! And then Dallas came over and taught me three chords (he actually taught me more than three chords, but that's all I can remember right now). And he showed me how to kind of read music.... tabs, I guess they're called. So we printed off a couple songs that I get to practice with chords until he comes back when school starts. But I'm finally learning to play guitar, with my own guitar! The only downside of this is that I have to keep my fingernails short now. :( I hate.... no.... I HATE having short fingernails. It drives me insane when I just have to cut them during drill competition. Argh! Oh well. I suppose I'll get use to it..... eventually. But for now, I am totally content with learning the guitar and writing songs. :)
ps. Most of the time I work on my songs when I'm in the cage while life guarding. Maybe the pool is my inspiration place..... :)
I'm usually not a poem writer, which is kind of what songs are, but I was able to pull out two of them. So even if they are lame, at least I did it!
And second, I have been wanting to learn guitar since 8th grade, and now I'm finally getting somewhere! Today I bought my oldest brother's acoustic guitar. It is really nice and he gave me a really good deal. It came with three picks, a strap, a tuner, and a really nice case. It's awesome! And then Dallas came over and taught me three chords (he actually taught me more than three chords, but that's all I can remember right now). And he showed me how to kind of read music.... tabs, I guess they're called. So we printed off a couple songs that I get to practice with chords until he comes back when school starts. But I'm finally learning to play guitar, with my own guitar! The only downside of this is that I have to keep my fingernails short now. :( I hate.... no.... I HATE having short fingernails. It drives me insane when I just have to cut them during drill competition. Argh! Oh well. I suppose I'll get use to it..... eventually. But for now, I am totally content with learning the guitar and writing songs. :)
ps. Most of the time I work on my songs when I'm in the cage while life guarding. Maybe the pool is my inspiration place..... :)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The Power of a Song
I've always found it interesting how I can always find a song that completely fits what I'm feeling. Whether I'm scared, angry, happy, or sad to the point of being void. The whole song will fit, but there's always a few lines that feel like they were written just for the purpose of reflecting my mood.
~Seeing it from my view~
This hole in my chest has been getting the best of my life.....
And the chill of your touch
Never thought I'd miss the cold so much
Wrapped in stone
Felt at home
If only you knew that this hole
Was created by you
-By You
~Someone else's view~
Leaving you was the only answer
That I could find
Why did I go?
I still love you, you know.
It's been so long
Since I've known pain
I felt it through your eyes that night
Among the trees and rain
-A World Without You
These are both songs written and sung by Mitch Hansen. I have his album Twilight Hour on my ipod. He based these songs off the books in the Twilight series, which is really cool because it has nothing to do with the movie. I love all of the songs that he did. But these two are the songs that reflect how I'm feeling the most right now, along with Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. But the Mitch Hansen reflect it better and I like listening to them more at the moment.
Not only can songs reflect your mood, they can also have a powerful impact on how you handle or react to a situation.
The song that probably is the closest to how I feel is another Mitch Hansen.
Stay With Me
Can't you see my heart is heavy
Just because I know you're leaving
Sometimes I wish you could
Read my mind
Look at me I'm always lost
But I am found and I can't believe it
There is just one more thing I have to ask
Stay with me for a while
Stay with me and I'll smile
Never leave and you'll see
Stay with me, will you please?
~Seeing it from my view~
This hole in my chest has been getting the best of my life.....
And the chill of your touch
Never thought I'd miss the cold so much
Wrapped in stone
Felt at home
If only you knew that this hole
Was created by you
-By You
~Someone else's view~
Leaving you was the only answer
That I could find
Why did I go?
I still love you, you know.
It's been so long
Since I've known pain
I felt it through your eyes that night
Among the trees and rain
-A World Without You
These are both songs written and sung by Mitch Hansen. I have his album Twilight Hour on my ipod. He based these songs off the books in the Twilight series, which is really cool because it has nothing to do with the movie. I love all of the songs that he did. But these two are the songs that reflect how I'm feeling the most right now, along with Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. But the Mitch Hansen reflect it better and I like listening to them more at the moment.
Not only can songs reflect your mood, they can also have a powerful impact on how you handle or react to a situation.
The song that probably is the closest to how I feel is another Mitch Hansen.
Stay With Me
Can't you see my heart is heavy
Just because I know you're leaving
Sometimes I wish you could
Read my mind
Look at me I'm always lost
But I am found and I can't believe it
There is just one more thing I have to ask
Stay with me for a while
Stay with me and I'll smile
Never leave and you'll see
Stay with me, will you please?
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Hollow
Hollow. The cold, black feeling of being hallow. The thing is, I saw it coming from a mile away. I've been waiting for it. I knew avoiding it wouldn't be possible, but I tried to delay it anyway. And now that it's come I'm filled with that hollowness.
It's strange really. You never really think about all the emotions you can feel and how they're different. Becoming hard and becoming numb are probably the closest things that come to it, though they really are nothing alike if you look closely.
Being hollow sort of mixes good emotions with bad ones. All the knots and frustration are gone, and you don't feel angry at all. Yet, you don't feel happy either. Not feeling happy or sad is kind of how it relates to being numb. But it's different because you do feel something, whereas being numb all emotion is lost to you. Being hollow you feel sort of empty..... vast inside.... lost......
It's easy to laugh and it's easy to cry. And it's very easy to do both at the same time. But you never feel those emotions that bring on these actions. It's as though someone has taken a spoon and carved out your insides like a pumpkin. You can feel the pain as it's scraped against your sides and bones. That awful, awful pain. The last thing removed is your heart. As soon as this is gone, all pain dissolves, leaving you an empty shell. A shadow of your former self. Yet you can hide it well enough that people around you think you're still whole. If they cared to look closer they could easily see through you and realize that somethings not right. But no need to worry about that....
You're standing in a black mist in unknown surroundings. You're not scared, but you still don't know what to do. There's no one there to help you or give you guidance. You're on your own in this one. You stand on the edge and look down. You see nothing. Do you jump? Or do you turn around and try to go back? Do you fall on your knees and cry? Or do you find the strength to push yourself one more step? Does it even matter? Can you feel what matters to you anymore?
Lost.
Black.
Hollow.
It's strange really. You never really think about all the emotions you can feel and how they're different. Becoming hard and becoming numb are probably the closest things that come to it, though they really are nothing alike if you look closely.
Being hollow sort of mixes good emotions with bad ones. All the knots and frustration are gone, and you don't feel angry at all. Yet, you don't feel happy either. Not feeling happy or sad is kind of how it relates to being numb. But it's different because you do feel something, whereas being numb all emotion is lost to you. Being hollow you feel sort of empty..... vast inside.... lost......
It's easy to laugh and it's easy to cry. And it's very easy to do both at the same time. But you never feel those emotions that bring on these actions. It's as though someone has taken a spoon and carved out your insides like a pumpkin. You can feel the pain as it's scraped against your sides and bones. That awful, awful pain. The last thing removed is your heart. As soon as this is gone, all pain dissolves, leaving you an empty shell. A shadow of your former self. Yet you can hide it well enough that people around you think you're still whole. If they cared to look closer they could easily see through you and realize that somethings not right. But no need to worry about that....
You're standing in a black mist in unknown surroundings. You're not scared, but you still don't know what to do. There's no one there to help you or give you guidance. You're on your own in this one. You stand on the edge and look down. You see nothing. Do you jump? Or do you turn around and try to go back? Do you fall on your knees and cry? Or do you find the strength to push yourself one more step? Does it even matter? Can you feel what matters to you anymore?
Lost.
Black.
Hollow.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Too Much
WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG WITH NO REAL POINT. READING MAY CAUSE EXTREME BORDOM.
I can't believe I'm doing this! It's too much. I am doing Summer Experience, which has about the same hours as a regular school day, plus weekly trips (sometimes two a week). We've gone backpacking, river rafting, dino hunting, and we still have a lot more planned, like another backpacking trip to Colorado.
Jeans did Summer Experience last year and she told me that since it was so hectic the only other thing she could do was work a little bit in her dad's office. I'm not as level headed as she is. Along with Summer Experience I am working two jobs, filing at the Credit Union and Life guarding; I have drill team stuff going on; I'm helping Jeans with the play "Just Right" for the 4th (she wrote it by the way, it's really good); and I'm training for cross country. I'm also suppose to be playing tennis so I can stay up to speed, but I haven't had time to do it. And also, our baby chicks came in the other day and I have one cripple (Vaz) and one bantom (meaning it will be a tiny chicken) that was piled on top of by the other chicks so she's not doing so great (her name's Cam). I'm really scared that Cam isn't going to make it, but I'm not giving up on her.
So my days are completely filled. From waking up at 5:00 am until I go to bed around 10:30 pm (but I don't usually go to sleep until at least 11:30 because I'm working on homework), I only spend about an hour and a half at home, which is my lunch break and a little time between school and work. (Which is why I'm writing this during my free time in class, I can't do it any other time).
Yeah, I'm definitely not as level headed as Jeans. She was stressed out last year, and I'm on the verge of losing my mind (what little I have). My patience is worn down, my nerves are shot, and my emotions are starting to get the better of me. It's just more than I can handle. But I've already gone through my list; what can I eliminate? They're all important to me. The first thing to go would probably be cross country, but there's no way I can ditch out. It just isn't an option. I am really on the brink of hysteria, and my moods have become somewhat unpredictable.
I feel really bad for the people that have to deal with me throughout the day. I'm actually pretty good in class because I don't talk often and my friends are pretty good at keeping me in a good mood. But my poor dog is probably going into depression from lack of attention. And poor Dallas has to deal with all my venting and crying. Sorry Dallas, that probably isn't how you want to spend your few weeks here; having a wet shoulder and pretending you're really interested in what I'm saying. But thank you.
There's a couple other things adding to my stress, but I probably shouldn't share it, though I really want to and I might later depending on how things go. So I guess this was really a sort of venting session. But just a bit of advice: don't stretch yourself out so much you're never at home between the times of 5:30 am and 10:30 pm. It really isn't worth it. Go home and spend time with your dog, fish, wife, family, or guitar. It's such a better way to spend your time. And now.... drum roll please.... Congratulations on reading this far! I really didn't expect it of anyone. But it makes me wonder if you were just extremely bored for reading this far.... :)
I can't believe I'm doing this! It's too much. I am doing Summer Experience, which has about the same hours as a regular school day, plus weekly trips (sometimes two a week). We've gone backpacking, river rafting, dino hunting, and we still have a lot more planned, like another backpacking trip to Colorado.
Jeans did Summer Experience last year and she told me that since it was so hectic the only other thing she could do was work a little bit in her dad's office. I'm not as level headed as she is. Along with Summer Experience I am working two jobs, filing at the Credit Union and Life guarding; I have drill team stuff going on; I'm helping Jeans with the play "Just Right" for the 4th (she wrote it by the way, it's really good); and I'm training for cross country. I'm also suppose to be playing tennis so I can stay up to speed, but I haven't had time to do it. And also, our baby chicks came in the other day and I have one cripple (Vaz) and one bantom (meaning it will be a tiny chicken) that was piled on top of by the other chicks so she's not doing so great (her name's Cam). I'm really scared that Cam isn't going to make it, but I'm not giving up on her.
So my days are completely filled. From waking up at 5:00 am until I go to bed around 10:30 pm (but I don't usually go to sleep until at least 11:30 because I'm working on homework), I only spend about an hour and a half at home, which is my lunch break and a little time between school and work. (Which is why I'm writing this during my free time in class, I can't do it any other time).
Yeah, I'm definitely not as level headed as Jeans. She was stressed out last year, and I'm on the verge of losing my mind (what little I have). My patience is worn down, my nerves are shot, and my emotions are starting to get the better of me. It's just more than I can handle. But I've already gone through my list; what can I eliminate? They're all important to me. The first thing to go would probably be cross country, but there's no way I can ditch out. It just isn't an option. I am really on the brink of hysteria, and my moods have become somewhat unpredictable.
I feel really bad for the people that have to deal with me throughout the day. I'm actually pretty good in class because I don't talk often and my friends are pretty good at keeping me in a good mood. But my poor dog is probably going into depression from lack of attention. And poor Dallas has to deal with all my venting and crying. Sorry Dallas, that probably isn't how you want to spend your few weeks here; having a wet shoulder and pretending you're really interested in what I'm saying. But thank you.
There's a couple other things adding to my stress, but I probably shouldn't share it, though I really want to and I might later depending on how things go. So I guess this was really a sort of venting session. But just a bit of advice: don't stretch yourself out so much you're never at home between the times of 5:30 am and 10:30 pm. It really isn't worth it. Go home and spend time with your dog, fish, wife, family, or guitar. It's such a better way to spend your time. And now.... drum roll please.... Congratulations on reading this far! I really didn't expect it of anyone. But it makes me wonder if you were just extremely bored for reading this far.... :)
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